Wait and Hope
It's been an emotional week for me. I realized how much in my life is changing, about to change or in the midst of change. I realized it still hurts to not be pregnant. I realized how little control I have - period.
As a planner, who loves lists, plots out details, imagines future plans, change is hard. I struggle with the change I can't control and don't initiate. We've gone through big life changes - moving states (twice), changing career paths - and have experienced beautiful blessings because of those changes. But change is still hard. It can make you feel helpless, defeated and anxious.
Our lives are very much in flux. Chris is part of a start-up where things change from one day to the next. We're getting ready to move at the end of March, but haven't put down a deposit yet. We'll be downsizing to save money which will come with it's own set of challenges. I'm going to be a vendor at a craft show in March, but have never done this before, so I'm not sure what to expect. I'm also looking for a temporary part-time job to help with adoption costs. And oh yes, we're adopting, so the date when we will actually hold our child is in the vaguest of timeframes.
We've been working on an emotionally draining and detail-oriented profile questionnaire that will help a birth mom decide if she wants us to adopt her child and collecting photos that will help her picture us and her baby as a family. No pressure there. I started wondering what if no one likes us? What if no one picks us? What if... all this fear and anxiety I didn't know was lurking stopped me cold. I couldn't answer the questions because what if I gave the wrong answer? What if who we are wasn't enough? Adoption had always seemed so full of hope, but fear was taking over and crowding it out.
I read on a blog that adoption heals the pain of motherhood, but doesn't erase the pain of not being pregnant. I want to be able to post cute pictures of my belly and know what type of fruit the baby is equivalent to. I want to have women ask what my due date is and what names we've thought of. I want to feel the baby's first kick in the womb and hear their heartbeat in a sonogram.
All the change, all the fear, all the pain made me realize how little control I have. Someone at Bible Study reminded us that we cannot have both control and faith. Ouch. Someone else said fear does 4 things: 1-fear keeps us from stepping into what God has for us 2-fear keeps us living small 3-fear says what we really think about God 4-fear keeps us from living full and abundant lives.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind - 2 Tim 1:7
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment - I John 4:18
So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” - Hebrews 13:6
God met me in my fear and hope started shining through. I'm praying more, taking deep breaths and working on the things I can move forward. I sent pictures and quotes to our agency's social media manager. We finished taking pictures for the profile book and are a few questions away from completing our profile questionnaire. Then, we'll start gathering and filling out documents for the home study. God met me in the pain when a pregnant friend suggested we all take baby classes at the hospital together. I won't have to miss out on this.
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" - Jeremiah 29:11
" Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope.” ― Alexandre Dumas, Count of Monte Cristo
As a planner, who loves lists, plots out details, imagines future plans, change is hard. I struggle with the change I can't control and don't initiate. We've gone through big life changes - moving states (twice), changing career paths - and have experienced beautiful blessings because of those changes. But change is still hard. It can make you feel helpless, defeated and anxious.
Our lives are very much in flux. Chris is part of a start-up where things change from one day to the next. We're getting ready to move at the end of March, but haven't put down a deposit yet. We'll be downsizing to save money which will come with it's own set of challenges. I'm going to be a vendor at a craft show in March, but have never done this before, so I'm not sure what to expect. I'm also looking for a temporary part-time job to help with adoption costs. And oh yes, we're adopting, so the date when we will actually hold our child is in the vaguest of timeframes.
We've been working on an emotionally draining and detail-oriented profile questionnaire that will help a birth mom decide if she wants us to adopt her child and collecting photos that will help her picture us and her baby as a family. No pressure there. I started wondering what if no one likes us? What if no one picks us? What if... all this fear and anxiety I didn't know was lurking stopped me cold. I couldn't answer the questions because what if I gave the wrong answer? What if who we are wasn't enough? Adoption had always seemed so full of hope, but fear was taking over and crowding it out.
I read on a blog that adoption heals the pain of motherhood, but doesn't erase the pain of not being pregnant. I want to be able to post cute pictures of my belly and know what type of fruit the baby is equivalent to. I want to have women ask what my due date is and what names we've thought of. I want to feel the baby's first kick in the womb and hear their heartbeat in a sonogram.
All the change, all the fear, all the pain made me realize how little control I have. Someone at Bible Study reminded us that we cannot have both control and faith. Ouch. Someone else said fear does 4 things: 1-fear keeps us from stepping into what God has for us 2-fear keeps us living small 3-fear says what we really think about God 4-fear keeps us from living full and abundant lives.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind - 2 Tim 1:7
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment - I John 4:18
So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” - Hebrews 13:6
God met me in my fear and hope started shining through. I'm praying more, taking deep breaths and working on the things I can move forward. I sent pictures and quotes to our agency's social media manager. We finished taking pictures for the profile book and are a few questions away from completing our profile questionnaire. Then, we'll start gathering and filling out documents for the home study. God met me in the pain when a pregnant friend suggested we all take baby classes at the hospital together. I won't have to miss out on this.
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" - Jeremiah 29:11
" Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope.” ― Alexandre Dumas, Count of Monte Cristo
I was going to try and address so many things in this post; however as I sit here in a heap of tears, I just want to say ... each and every day I admire you more and more and fall more in love with you, my precious daughter-in-law.
ReplyDeleteLove you too - so blessed to be a part of your family. xoxo
Delete